| In which I achieve the status of SUPERHERO | ||||
| 12:23pm 27/11/2009 | ||||
Well, we had some friends over to potluck the meal, and I cooked MY FIRST TURKEY! I have no idea how it tasted- the omnivores seemed to enjoy it- but it looked BEAUTIFUL! So- rock star me- I cooked a turkey, stuffing with fresh corn bread (and of course corn bread), three sisters (a family favorite of traditional Native American cuisine), butternut squash risotto, roasted sweet potatoes with pineapple, carrot bread, two gravies, and ice cream. And only skipped nursing once- right before the meal during the final chaos. You know I can't resist talking about how awesome I am, so... Yeah. I'm awesome. |
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| (5 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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cheerful| Onward and upward | ||||
| 05:13pm 20/11/2009 | ||||
Mike lost the job that had OH so much security, I had an amazing amount of unforseeable complications, and we had two babies. I'm coming to feel that the timing couldn't have been worse, and still couldn't have been better. Mike has been here to help me with EVERYTHING, from when I couldn't walk because of the excruciating pain, through all the nighttime feedings and drama. So until today, I hadn't had the experience of being outnumbered by babies. Today Mike had a job interview. It went very well, so here's hoping. But all morning, it was just me and the babies. For the first time, I changed, dressed, cleaned, and fed them all on my lonesome. And amazingly, I wasn't too overwhelmed. Having babies is HARD. Really, really hard. And we have two REALLY good babies. The thing is, they each have their own quirks- common baby quirks- that make it a lot of work. I imagine that with ONE baby it's really freakin' hard. EXAMPLE: Nursing. Nursing is difficult- as natural as it seems, it is NOT easy. Nobody comes with instructions for it, and some babies just aren't very good at first. And Sophia is one of them. Now that she's finally figured it out, she gets WAAAAAY too excited. My nipple? It's actually black and blue. I know plenty of my readership is aware of just how difficult it is to BRUISE a nipple- those fuckers are resilient. But my daughter gave me an honest to God purple nurple. If it weren't for that, we would actually be off of formula by now. But that is one mean baby, and mommy's nipples need a break once in a while. But today was awesome. We both got to shower, my nipple is returning to its usual shape and color, and perhaps soon Mike will be leaving us alone a lot more often. One can always hope. |
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| (3 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| I can haz update? | ||||
| 02:37pm 02/11/2009 | ||||
It's exhausting and wonderful, and I feel very much as though I've been cheating. My parents are still here helping out until Wednesday, Mike is still out of work and therefore on hand 24/7, and the girls are RIDICULOUSLY well behaved. So far. They're spending more time awake, which is fun. But they haven't quite figured out that night v/ day issue. So, a few times now we've had some trouble getting Sophie to chill out and take a nap when we need to pass out. Deborah has decided that any time not being cuddled is time wasted, but she's extremely mellow about it. She'll just sit in your arms and look around like she's never seen any of the world before and it's fascinating. And I suppose that's exactly what's happening. Sophie has decided that there is nothing more entertaining than latching on. For those of you who are uninitiated in the arts of breastfeeding, that basically means getting attached. So she'll latch on, let go, and do it again. And again. And again. And then she'll forget that she has to SUCK to get food, and scream because she's not being fed. And then I pick her up, wipe the milk and spit off of her, and put her back, and she's fine. But this is not my favorite game at 3am. I get the feeling that in a few years I can leave her in a room with some Legos for a few days and know she'll be fine. So far the only screaming they really get into is when Deborah is being bathed or if she's being subjected to a diaper change and has to wait a few minutes to eat; or when Sophie freaks herself out about something absurd. Like not being fed because she's distracted by having fun with my nipples. I like being a mom. I like sitting around watching them. I like snuggling with them (why didn't anybody tell me how snuggly little babies were?). The diaper service is great, they're gaining weight beautifully- Deborah is getting chubby! I have no doubt that they'll just be perfect until puberty. All in all- one very good month. |
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| (4 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| ...they're cute, too. | |||
| 10:41am 31/10/2009 | |||
   Deborah  Sophia |
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| Babies are masters of funny faces | ||||
| 01:34pm 30/10/2009 | ||||
  In other news, I've been a mommy for nearly a month. One month on Sunday. As an oh-so-fitting description, I'll share an anecdote. I sat down here with the intention of writing about motherhood, and how it feels to be a parent, and how wonderful my little girls are, and as soon as I started writing Sophia and Deborah decided it was time to eat. So away I go. Mommy-dom calls. |
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| (1 unintentionally hilarious moment of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| A gigantic heap of WTF | |||
| 01:03pm 15/10/2009 | |||
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Taken directly from a "new parents" message board: "I won't use a rectal thermometer on my infant son because I don't want him to be gay." Wow. |
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| (7 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| FAQ on my babies | ||||
| 12:10pm 15/10/2009 | ||||
Are they identical? Okay- I know I'm going to have to answer this one until... well, forever. But when one is holding a blonde baby and a brunette baby, this should be fairly obvious. No. Now take a look at their faces before you ask me that again. How do you tell them apart? Really? Okay, first, they're NOT identical. But for those of you out there determined to figure this out with a casual glance (can you really tell ANYONE apart from barely glancing at them when they're sleeping and mostly hidden from view?) here's how: Deborah is the one making pig noises. Sophia is the one making kitten noises. Does one of them have milk coming out of her nose? That's Deborah. The smaller one is Sophia. The blonde is Sophia. The brunette is Deborah. There. Now you can tell them apart at a quick glance. Did you have IVF? None of your fucking business. Did somebody hit you with the "stupid and tactless" stick? Aren't you SO GLAD you had preemies? Having my one big, healthy baby was SOOOO HAAARD! Yes. This actually happens. You are so right. There is nothing I am more grateful for than that I carried around ten pound of baby that arrived in a horrific bloody nightmare when they were hurredly cut out of my abdomen in an emergency c-section so none of us died. You poor thing, you. Yeah. This blog is getting one dimensional pretty darn quick, huh? |
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| (8 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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annoyed| The thrilling tale of my daughters' birth | ||||
| 05:29pm 06/10/2009 | ||||
Well, it was the last day of September. I was MISERABLE. You may recall my desire to stop being pregnant as well as I do. That night we had dinner at a friend's place, and stayed very late. We didn't get into bed until after 1am. Barely an hour later, I woke up in a panic. I was sure I was feeling my water break. Fluid was gushing out and onto the bed. "Mike!" I shouted, "Mike! I think my water broke! Do something!" Already panicked about the early date of this inevitable event, my heart nearly stopped entirely when Mike flipped on the light and announced, "That's blood." There was blood EVERYWHERE. Probably a few pints of it. Dripping off the bed, all over me... everywhere. I got up and ran to the bathroom, shouting instructions to call my OB's office on-call number. Within two minutes a few things had happened in very rapid succession. Something very solid began exiting my uterus, the doctor called back sounding just as alarmed as we were, and I passed a blood clot the size of a small apple. We dressed in a rush, grabbed the suitcase, and on the doctor's instructions rushed to the hospital where we bypassed triage completely. I still hadn't had a contraction. As it turned out, the girls were FINE. Completely healthy heart rates, completely normal ultrasound. Nobody could figure out where the blood was coming from. We all sat around, my doctor with a spectacular case of bed-head, waiting for something else to happen while they decided what they could or should do. After a few hours, I started having painful contractions. I mean PAINFUL. Not just, "my uterus is trying to kill me" contractions. More like, "Somebody is stabbing me on the left side of my abdomen" contractions. The doctor informed me that they were performing a c-section, and that we'd be prepped and ready to cut within 45 minutes. She also informed that because I was obviously having some sort of bleeding and clotting problem, it was unsafe to wait for the results of my blood test before beginning. Which meant that I would have to go under general anesthesia and remain unconscious for the birth of my children. Immediately. Moments later I was also informed that the hospital only ever performs about 3 c-sections with general anesthesia every year. Mike was given instructions to wait for us to move to the recovery room, where I would wake up and the girls would be brought to us. I was prepped- given oxygen and a catheter, everything in advance so that they could perform the c-section as quickly as possible after administering the anesthesia. It had been about twenty minutes, and the only thing left was for the OB to return to the operating room. She entered the room, directing the anesthesiologists to stop giving me oxygen. She had managed to rush the blood tests, and my platelets were stable enough to give me a spinal instead. While they administered the injection, Mike was brought into the room. As soon as he sat down, they raised the curtain and cut me open. About five minutes later, Sophia and Deborah made their dramatic and premature appearance. Amazingly, they each had Apgar scores of 8 and 9 out of 10. Despite being only 35 weeks, they were both perfect. Sophia weighed 4lbs 8oz, and Deborah weighed 4lbs 14oz. Deborah had low blood sugar. No surprise, as I hadn't eaten in nearly twelve hours. They took her to the NICU after giving her a bottle, and by the time they made it up the elevator and tested her blood sugar again, she was completely fine. Thanks to regulations, however, they had to keep her in the NICU for twelve hours. We're all home now. During the surgery the doctors discovered that Debbie's placenta was mysteriously separating from my uterus. No idea why, it only tends to happen when you have severe trauma or you're using crack. I've had some WEIRD and painful side effects, which are (as usual) completely baffling to my doctors. But thanks to my mothers ministrations, I'm feeling much better. Mike seems to have caught a bug at the hospital which, combined with lack of sleep, has kept him laid up all day. But hopefully tomorrow we'll both be better, and we can get on with taking care of our little girls. So... October... SUCCESS!!!!! Please come visit and bring us food. :)  Directly after the c-section, holding my daughters.     Me and my girls at home. |
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| (9 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| Sophia Irene and Deborah Dorothy | |||
| 02:30pm 01/10/2009 | |||
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Born at 8:34am and 8:36am at a gestational age of 35wks/1 day, Sophia Irene weighs an incredibly small 4.5 lbs, and Deborah Dorothy tops her at 4lbs, 14oz. Both are doing just fine, as am I. The tale is thrilling and full of drama, and I will not tell it now as I wish to do it justice. If a few days, when I'm home and armed with pictures, you can be sure I'll fill you in on all the gory details. |
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| (13 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| 1 week to go until..? | ||||
| 05:37pm 30/09/2009 | ||||
Our hospital delivers so many twins that do not consider twins to be premature if they're born at 36 gestational weeks. ...one week from today, I start thinking about kicking the little fuckers out. My back is killing me- it hasn't been this bad since I got dumped out of a dumptruck with two tons of newspaper in '03. I can't take any of my usual pain medications, I can't find a position that's comfortable, and I can't even use my usual distractions. No amount of terror can outweigh my instinct to MAKE THE PAIN STOP. I will see if this weekend I can stay out of bed long enough to do ONE self portrait while all hugely preggers. Then... well, then it's time for this to be OVER. Bring on the fucking babies. |
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| (3 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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raging back pain of doom| Nothing is ever easy. | ||||
| 06:00pm 29/09/2009 | ||||
Mike's job? Maybe not so much. Turns out that a)he is not able to get medical clearance to wear a respirator to inspect BP plants due to his brain tumor causing seizures, and b)that would be pretty much his job for a month or so. So his employment status is once again in question. Not gone- no, that would be too simple. It is, as it was for most of the summer, "in question." Maybe they'll move him into the office early, maybe they'll let him go. We won't know for probably a day or two. Oh- and my spine collapsed- pretty much literally- around 11a this morning. I've hardly been able to walk all day. Which of course has resulted in not eating or staying hydrated, because it's all I can do to hobble from the bed the fifteen feet to the toilet. I've made it to the computer twice, because I'm THAT addicted. But for the most part- bed. We just can't catch a fucking break, can we? |
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| (1 unintentionally hilarious moment of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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exhausted| Impending motherhood | ||||
| 09:05am 29/09/2009 | ||||
It occurred to me that the only thing that would really make me feel confident that she was okay was HOLDING her. And I sort of lost it. I had no idea how much I'd actually come to love her. It's amazing- until a month or so ago she still didn't register at all as a person. But yesterday... yesterday she was my baby. And I was worried sick about her. I had no idea how much I could love a little person I'd never met. I don't know when exactly she moved from abstract fetus to miniature human being, but I can tell you it was pretty recent. I guess my feelings about her were sort of akin to my feelings about most pets. I was very, very fond of her. I would have been sad if she hadn't made it. But my overall attitude was along the lines of, "if this doesn't work out we can try again later." Not now. If something happened to her now, I would be devastated. Of course the same applies to Sophia. Only I haven't had cause to actually worry about her, and it seems that nothing kick starts my maternal instincts like worry. How very Jewish of me. I'm starting to get anxious for them to arrive. I'm starting to feel like my insides can't take care of them (at least Deborah) as well as my outsides. And considering that last week I wasn't sure I was capable of taking care of one newborn- let alone two- this seems like a pretty huge step. I think that I might actually be ready for this mothering thing. |
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| (2 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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pensive| Update: | ||||
| 06:05pm 28/09/2009 | ||||
Yes, eat more sugar. I need to keep getting her buzzed so she'll move around more. I'm even considering going back on caffeine, heart allowing. Is it worth it to get HER heart going at the price of MY heart? Debatable. Mine will be fine in the long run, if it doesn't explode in the short. Hers? Who knows. I'll start with sugar. In other news, effacement has begun! Not terribly exciting, I suppose, but that means that I can reasonably expect to go into labor in the next few weeks. If I don't get cut open first. I'm still aiming for 36 weeks. If I make it to 36 weeks, I'll be one happy camper. For those of you counting, that's nine days away. Oh! And in other exciting news, Mike got a job! He starts his new job tomorrow! Hooray!!! |
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| (4 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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busy| And we're off to the races again | |||
| 11:16am 28/09/2009 | |||
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Off to the hospital with me. Apparently Deborah might not be doing so well. Only one way to find out, right? So- updates as I know more. |
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| (3 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| Closing in | ||||
| 10:02am 28/09/2009 | ||||
Still, doing what I can. Which is hanging out upside down, mostly. Still haven't found a terribly effective position, but I'm sure I will. I think the guest room will probably become my "upside down space." Having babies is silly. On a related note, I've started to get this sort of feeling. Not a physical feeling, but fairly strong nonetheless, that the grublings are on their way. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I can rest assured that it's accurate. After all, if they DON'T turn around, the last day I'll be pregnant is only 24days away. But something tells me it won't be that long. My belly doesn't feel like a belly full of grublngs anymore, it feels like barely hidden BABIES. Heads, limbs, butts, shoulders... It's not even close to round, it's the shape of skin stretched over BABIES. Which, considering their constantly shifting positions, is different every day. We don't have a lot of clothes for preemies. That is to say, we have three preemie onesies. But if they can hold on for a week, they should be fine. Right now they're both around 5.5 lbs or so. So only eight ounces from most regular baby clothes. I'm going to try to pack in the protein during these last days/weeks, to help them gain as much as possible. I'm going to try to genuinely "take it easy" for probably the first time. The countdown has definitely begun. |
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| (5 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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indescribable| On a related note... | |||
| 11:08pm 24/09/2009 | |||
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Had a mole removed. Turns out it's cancerous. Need to return for more tissue removal as soon as the grublings are out of my belly. Not a big deal. But... I suppose just another drop in the basket. Now Mike isn't the only one in this marriage with cancer. I also get special food treats and everybody will send me mail and I will be as popular as Mike. ha! ...I kid. Mike still totally wins the "I have cancer" game. |
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| (5 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| Eyebrow | ||||||||
| 10:53am 23/09/2009 | ||||||||
Yesterday, I had a mole removed from my right temple. As a result, the right half of my forehead was largely numb and unresponsive for the bulk of the afternoon. ...which meant I was able to raise one eyebrow. I figured this out in about ten seconds- still in the doctor's office. I looked skeptical and jaunty. It was amazing. So...
My mother understood. She can't do it either. HER mother can raise both individually- wiggle each eyebrow. Totally unfair. My younger sister also gets it. She and I have had many long discussions about our mutual inability to raise a single eyebrow. So, for her: My voice sounds all weird because I'm trying so hard not to laugh my ass off. Because it was so good to gloat. I was cool yesterday. Best day of my life.
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| (2 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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geeky
| Best side effect ever. | ||||
| 10:32pm 22/09/2009 | ||||
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| (1 unintentionally hilarious moment of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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| Playboy on stands now!!!! | ||||
| 08:28pm 10/09/2009 | ||||
Interview with me- October issue. Now on newsstands! Vampires on the cover! Lea on the inside!!!!!!! WHEEEEEE! |
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| (7 unintentionally hilarious moments of minor human tragedy |slip on a banana peel) |
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excited| Coolest toy kitchen EVER | |||
| 01:40pm 05/09/2009 | |||
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dendraphile |
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